Where I Belong
by Bleeding Black Blades
Summary: He was where I felt like I belonged. He was my Alistair. Alistair/Cousland One-shot


_**I edited it and made some changes so I hope it's a little better.  
>Disclaimer: Still own nothing<strong>_

**Where I Belong**

I remember it all well. Too well. The night he attacked. The night he took my home. My friends. My family. I know full well that there is nothing I can do to bring them back. That probably strikes me the worse. I was there. I did not save them. I was a coward. When I managed to escape from the castle with Duncan and my mabair, Cyrin, I did not cry that night. I would not let myself do so. Crying was a weakness. Howe would not see me so.

We traveled to Ostagar. I hadn't talked much since we left Highever. I felt so hollow and barley slept. I just couldn't bring myself to. That's when I met him. His name was Alistair. A Grey Warden and an almost-Templar. His hair was golden; eyes a shining hazel; personality that made him seem a fool, but the good kind. He was kind and sweet, but also a jester. I liked that, but I refused to smile. I thought myself a fool to think I was falling for him so easily. So I just put him off.

But fate had other plans. When things turned we had done everything together. I finally realized, after a time, I was falling for him. And he did so the same. He gave me a rose. "A rare and wonderful thing amidst all this darkness," as he explained. He then said he thinks the same thing when he looks at me. It was so strange how we have not known each other very long, yet we managed to for a relationship. He kissed me not long after he gave me the rose.

By this point, we had already done so much. It seemed that we were the ones putting the broken pieces of Ferelden back together, little by little, for the people of Ferelden. For the elves. For the mages. For the dwarves. For the people in the cities. For the people in the villages and towns.

I had found out he was Maric's son when we had gone to Redcliff. Sure I was mad, I felt like he didn't trust me. But I just couldn't stay mad. I forgave him and told him that there would be no secrets between us. And so I told him of my family, right after we found the ashes. He held me as I cried, it was the first time I had since I left my home. I felt so much better after that.

I also began to become close with the people we traveled with. Leliana, a bard form Orlais; Zevran, the Antivan assassin; Sten, the Qunari; Morrigan, the witch of the wild's daughter; Oghren, the drunken dwarf; Shale, the golem from Honnleth; Wynne, the Circle mage.

He was always at my side, also considering we shared a tent. When the nightmare came to me of the archdemon, my family's injustice, or any other dreams of what we had endured on this mission, he comforted me, as I did with Duncan's death. After the last dream I had of my family I came to realize something: I was in love with him.

He was where I felt like I belonged. No matter what road we were one, what town we were in, who we talked to. I don't think I ever felt that I belonged anywhere before. Not even in Highever. He was my Alistair, my Grey Warden, my heart and soul. I could not help but agree to him when he asked to spend the night. It was his first time, as was mine. But, Maker, I loved it. I loved him. I told him so and he agreed. He loved me to. We even made an agreement that if anything were to happen to either of us we would go on. I didn't want to promise this, but I did. Because he wanted me to.

When we finally gained all of our allies and went to Denerim with Eamon. Loghain was there, as was Howe. If Alistair had not held me back I would have ran my sword through him then and there. But I didn't. I couldn't. We then had to rescue Anora. I did not take Alistair with me. I wanted him to come with me so bad, but I couldn't. As much as I hate to say it, if we got caught or killed it would be up to him. I took Sten, Leliana, and Morrigan. When we had gotten in, we went through the dungeons to finds the mage that had used magic to keep her Majesty in a room. When I found out Howe was down there, I was not myself. I raged through after finding the Grey Warden, Riordan, and killed every guard in sight. I knew the others were concerned, but I pushed them off.

I finally found Howe and fought him while the others fought his guards. It was a tough battle between us, but I won. I had starred down at his body. The faces of my friends and family came to me in a flash. I began to stomp on his face and practically gutted him with my sword. The others had to pull me off and into another room. At that moment I regretted not taking Alistair. I wanted for him to take me in his arms; to hold me and tell me everything was alright. But I would just have to wait.

When we finally got out Anora and was about to escape when we were met with ser Catherin, Loghain's second. I surrendered to her, not wanting to improve Loghain's lies about us. A mistake I wish I had not made. I was taken to Fort Drakon. I figured they would just throw me in a cell to rot, and I could escape that way. I was wrong.

Maker, so terribly wrong.

I was dragged downstairs to be tortured. I was beaten, had blades that had been over fire pressed upon my flesh and slit across my legs and arms, my back whipped, then, when they were finished and I no longer had strength to scream, they threw me back in my cell until they wished to do it all again. I thought they would have killed me, but no, Loghain wanted Howe's killer to be alive and suffer for her crimes, of that I was sure. I was in there for two days—or longer, I wasn't sure—waiting, hoping for my companions to come for me. I was denied food and water, and their tortures kept getting worse. I thank the Maker it did not get any worse than beating and cutting. I was thrown back in me cell, literally, for the fourth time. Or fifth, I couldn't be sure. I felt myself growing weaker, and weaker. I began to lose hope that they were coming for me, when I heard a loud crash and then Alistair was at my side, saying things I did not remember. It was then I fell unconscious in his embrace.

I woke in our room in Eamon's estate. Wynne and Morrigan had been healing the worst of my wounds, but I had no idea what part of my body hurt worse. Alistair stayed with me for most of the time, and I relished the thought of being in his arms once again. He apologize profusely for not coming for me sooner. Once I was strong enough to stand I decided to tell Alistair about Howe. He knew. Wynne had told him what had happened, and I just cried on him once again. After so long of wanting his blood on my hands, only to come to this. I did not feel happy he was gone. I did not feel any better. I just felt the same as I had when they died: empty.

Alistair would not have that. He comforted me. He said: "Howe's gone. He can't harm anyone ever again. Your parents would have been so proud of you. I'm proud of you." I didn't understand. I killed him without trial. I just wanted vengeance. Should I have just taken him to the magistrate? Given him a trial? Alistair didn't think so. He told me he deserved it. That it was only fair.

Blood can only be repaid in blood, as I recall it.

I knew he was right. I know it may not bring my family back, but at least I avenged him. Howe paid for my family with his blood. I faced a great loss, but gained a new family. Alistair.

When the Landsmeet finally came after events of the Alienage I knew we could defeat Loghain. I told Anora I would support her and I meant it. The Landsmeet was against Loghain and he ordered a battle. Alistair fought him and won, like I knew he would, and killed him then we made Anora Queen. I was relieved to know she would not kill nor exile Alistair. I talked to Alistair that night before we left for Redcliff the next day. I asked him if he was alright with what happened and he said yes.

But then he had a nervous look on his face. He took me to our room and sat me down. At first I assumed he was ending us but then… he knelt down before me. I remember his words as if I had heard them repeatedly: "Elissa… I love you. I will always love you and I never want to let you go." Then he pulled out a ring from his pocket and slid it on my finger. "Will you marry me?" I answered "yes" a bit louder than I intended—which was pretty loud—but I didn't care. I loved him more than anything in the world. But, once again, fate decided otherwise.

When we arrived at Redcliff it had been overrun by darkspawn. We were able to get to the castle where Riordian and the Arl were. Riordain gives us grave news: the archdemon has shown itself. I hadn't thought about fighting it much, considering the army we had at our back.

But it was later when Alistair and I met him in his room did things become worse. He explained to us what would happen when a Grey Warden slayed the archdemon. "The darkspawn is an empty soulless vessel. But a Grey Warden is not." Riordain had explained. "The essence of the archdemon is destroyed. And so is the Grey Warden." "Meaning the Grey Warden who slays the archdemon dies?" Alistair asked. I did not want to hear this. Riordain said the final blow should be his to make. But I have a feeling he will not. Either Alistair or I must make the blow, weather Riordain knew it or not.

After our discussion we went outside his room and he scooped me up in his arms. "One last night," he whispered in my ear. "It has to be with you. Go to your room and shed your armor and meet me back here in mine." He set me down and I nodded, not trusting my voice. As I had gone in my room Morrigan was there. I had thought she would betray me. I wasn't sure if I was right, wrong, or both at the same time.

She told me of a ritual, one where Alistair must lay with her to conceive a child. When the archdemon was slayed its essence would seek the child instead and not harm Alistair or me. I knew full well Alistair would not agree. He told me he would not lay with another woman. So I refused and lost the friend who had actually became something like a sister to me. I was going to be the one who would slay the archdemon, but I would not tell Alistair this. I also did not tell him of the ritual. I got rid of my armor and went back to his room where we made love. We both knew it would be the last time we would do so.

A few days later we arrived at Denerim's gates and fought the darkspawn with all we had. Riordain had a plan, to lure the archdemon to the top of Fort Drakon. So, Riordain told me to take only a few people with me. Wynne, Leliana, Zevran, and Alistair. Sten would lead everyone else who remained. With goodbyes from each, we left. When I was finally on the roof of the fort I was face to face with the monstrous dragon.

The fight was hard but we took it down with the help of the Circle mages. Without Wynne's healing spells I'd probably be dead. But as I was about to run and make my sacrifice to the archdemon and genlock plunged his sword into my leg. Wynne was out of mana and Leliana was protecting her. Zevran was a distance off fighting other darkspawn.

I struggled to stand, but the pain was too much and I could not stand. All I felt was pain. I shut my eyes, trying so desperately to block it out. Images and flashes of everything came rushing toward me. Of my family, my friends, my little team that gave me both once again, and my love. I saw everyone, flashes and images came to me it was as if my life was flashing before my eyes. All I could think about was how I failed them.

Then I saw Alistair running toward the archdemon. Running with his sword toward the monster; a knight running to fight a dragon. He slid under its neck, slicing it open then plunging the sword into its neck. I cried out as a light shot out to the sky and engulfed him. I tried to stand, tried to stop him, tried to . . . do something. I watched as he pulled. Pulled with all his strength to end this once and for all. The others stared at him; at the light. I think even the darkspawn stopped fighting as they watched their great, evil God die.

Then, and he pulled once more and the sword came free, there was an explosion. We were all swept back as the light threw us back and I fell into unconsciousness. Waking up again, after what felt like weeks, I felt a pain I hadn't felt since my parents died. No one had to tell me. I knew. Alistair was dead.

I kept my promise. I continued to go on. I never loved again though. Nothing could ever make me. Fergus returned home and began the Teyrn of Highever. I rebuilt the wardens, dedicated a statue of them in both Denerim and Amaranthine. But any sense I had of belonging anywhere was no gone, stolen from me as Alistair was.

When I left this world I did not go by the taint within me, or by venturing down in the Deep Roads so I would "die in one last glorious battle". I died defending the Grey Warden base. I died keeping all of my new and old friends safe. An honorable enough death, I should think.

And when I closed my eyes as I died I felt arms enfolded around me. No longer did I feel pain. No longer did my heart or body ach. Lips met my neck and I smiled. I opened my eyes and turned to look at the face of my lover. He looked exactly as I remembered him. Not when he died, or at his funeral. But the way I always saw him: hair near perfect, armor shinning, eyes glistening and smile forever a mile long. I leaned forward and accepted his lips on mine. When I broke the kiss I looked over his shoulder to see my family. All the people I had lost in Highever and during the Blight and after. They were with me again. I felt so surrounded my love I was nearly overwhelmed by it. And as I looked back into Alistair's hazel eyes I finally realized something:

I was back where I belong.


End file.
